READ FIRST: If you’re triggered by discussions of abuse, rape or sensitive to the subject of trauma, this article isn’t for you. Please don’t open a door that you cannot safely close.

Before I begin, please note that I’m not a physician, psychologist, or anything related to a PhD and my writings are not medical or mental health advice. All of my articles are based on real-life experiences, expert research and tools I’ve discovered on my journey to creating a life I love.

I have experienced childhood trauma. It began with an abusive step parent and ended with being date raped after a High School dance. Well, I thought it ended there. I’ve made a lot of mistakes getting here and one of those was believing that people, myself included, could “just get over it”. That was until hitting rock bottom lead me the connection between my past and my present. That connection was necessary to begin the journey of healing my whole self.

Why am I sharing such personal information?

1). Because NO ONE should be embarrassed or ashamed of being abused, raped, or neglected as a child (or as an adult) and I can sadly say that the majority of women and men I have befriended throughout my life experienced abuse, rape, or molestation during their childhood.

2). The more people talk openly about uncomfortable subjects the safer it is for people to come forward and heal at any age or stage of life.

3). I no longer give a shit what other people think about what I write, think or do. (If you’re new here that’s a must read article!)

4). Your past is a part of who you are today. Everyone’s is and we can’t form productive healthy relationships with unhealed trauma in the background.

I honestly believed that I had “gotten over it” a long time ago.

As an adult I believed he was just a mean asshole, that his words meant nothing, I believed the high school “star” that raped me after a school dance was just a stupid boy, and I believed I ruined relationships with people that were good to me because they couldn’t really feel that way about me.

I believed every word of that self preserving bullshit I told myself. All of it. Until at age 52, I found myself in an extremely unhealthy relationship with someone that spoke the same heart piercing words to me that I heard as a child and that treated me the same way he was treated as a child. When I hit the point of sink or swim, I could no longer deny that I was in a relationship that left me feeling like a worthless pile of shit. Like I was 8 years old and 15 years old all over again.

But they’re adults now, shouldn’t they “just get over it”?

Think about it like this!

When adults suffer a rape, a tragic accident, a physical attack, or even the break-up of a relationship we tell them go to a doctor or a counselor so they can get heal. Why? Because as adults we know it’s essential to provide a supportive therapeutic environment for someone after a traumatic event. We don’t tell them “get over it”, (unless you have some shitty friends) instead we support and encourage them to heal so they can move forward in a healthy manner.

There’s a multitude of studies that show that the age a child’s trauma began is where their emotional intelligence and cognitive development greatly slowed and sometimes even stopped. Read that again.

That right there is why telling an adult that has suppressed being raped, abused or witnessed someone else’s abuse as a child to “just get over it” is absurd. They can’t. Unless and until they can process that they’re mindset is one that needs healing. And not everyone can get there.

Why would anyone want to stay unhealed?

Because not everyone can go back. For some people, the idea of going down the rabbit hole of their past is completely debilitating. They mentally and or emotionally can’t go there. They’ll try to drink, drug and ignore it away before they’ll face it. The person they are today is the person they’ve always been. They unknowingly created that version of themselves to protect themselves. That’s their normal. They will avoid facing the past at all costs including their marriage, relationships and the relationship they have with themselves. We see this in generations of families.

Unhealed Past Trauma in adults creates a domino effect for generations.

In relationships (including friendships), people that have experienced trauma will often attract other people that have experienced trauma. That’s where the buzz word trauma bond can come into play. All that yelling, cursing, and hurting takes a roller coaster ride into laughter, fun, and excitement only to roll right back down again and it…feels normal. We call it love. It’s not. We tell ourselves it’s not so bad, until it is.

In families, the dominos fall through generations of abusive or disconnected parents that often raise emotionally unavailable adults.

People with past trauma are not broken, they’ve been wounded and wounds can heal.

Those memories that lives in your mind? Or in the mind of someone you love? It allows the acceptance of garbage instead of love, makes people react instead of responding, and can impair the ability to emotionally bond with others and ourselves.

If you or someone you love has suffered past trauma it can be healed. Is it hard? YES. Is it emotional? YES. But it’s also one of the most liberating things you can do for yourself. Healing what’s following you like a silent shadow in your unconscious mind is an imperative step in creating a life you love. And that’s what I want for you. I want you to love yourself so much that no one can enter your space without good intentions, so much that you won’t drown yourself trying to save someone that refuses to heal their past, and so much that you create a life you genuinely love.

BEFORE you read the 10 outcomes below:

This list is not for you to go to work and diagnose the Karen in your office (sorry Karen’s), the lady in the grocery store, yourself even your partner. It’s a tool for your Life You Love tool box. *Tools for you to use when you’re evaluating yourself and where you are in your journey.

WHAT I KNOW NOW - 10 Outcomes of unhealed past trauma in adults:

1. ANXIETY- a heightened level of anxiety that can often manifest into chronic worry, feelings of abandonment, trust issues, and generalized fear.

2. DEPRESSION- persistent feelings of sadness, insignificances lack of interest, and feeling emotionally empty. In relationships this can depend when codependency is developed.

3. ADDICTIONS- drug use, alcohol or self harm being used as a coping mechanism.

4. EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE- difficulty regulating emotions, deflection, outbursts of rage, inability to discuss important issues without arguing, blaming, or an inability to identify their own emotions.

5. LACK OF SELF RESPECT - feeling not good enough, worthless, accepting abuse to be “loved”, and avoiding relationships that are “too good to be true”.

6. UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS- being abused or being the aggressor, doubting the other person, trying to “earn” someone’s love, making excuses for being abusive or accepting the abuse, accepting shitty behavior for “love”.

7. PHYSICAL HEALTH ISSUES - chronic health conditions including heart disease, diabetes, and autoimmune diseases.

8. SLEEP DISORDERS - frequent insomnia, fearful dreams, over-thinking and other sleep disorders.

9. PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)- experiencing recurring feelings of fight or flight, flashbacks, or nightmares. Feeling panic when meeting someone that reminds you of your a abuser.

10. DISASSOCIATION -feeling disconnected from family, friends, or even yourself. Avoiding extended family in an effort to hide shame, guilt and association.

The more I healed the more I discovered all of the old mindset I carried. I discovered why I always believed I had to eat shit to earn somebody’s love. Don’t eat shit. You deserve a prime rib dinner, the biggest Vegan salad or the best dessert on the menu! Whatever it is that you truly want, YOU deserve to heal and go after it!

I’m glad you’re here,

Jill Schmidt