My son Josh came home from school the other day upset that a girl in his class had made a negative comment about his jacket being “too puffy”. I know how sensitive middle school age kids can be but I was surprised how bothered he was by her comment. He literally never wanted to wear the coat again and it’s his favorite jacket!

This got me thinking about all of the opinions, comments, and gossip we hear throughout life from peers, partners, co-workers and family. And even more so, how easily we validate the opinions of others by allowing them to affect the choices we make. Before I started my journey, I spent the majority of my life letting other peoples’ comments and opinions change how I dressed, thought and even smiled. I didn’t want Josh to do the same thing.

I could see his posture change as I shared each of the five reasons below with him and explained them with examples relevant to the trials of Middle School. I’ve learned a lot of habits and tricks to help me no longer allow others’ opinions to affect me. Does this mean it never bothers or upsets me? Absolutely not, but I’ve become confident with who I am and mindful of how I respond which reduces the affect to a “hmmm” (I’m shrugging) status. We’re designed to be unique and free thinkers how do we so easily forget this?

Below are the 5 reasons I shared with Josh. I hope they help you follow your unique ideas, live how you want, and wear the coat!

1.) It’s None of Your Business:

How many times did we hear that as a kid? If you’re like me, you thought that only meant to stay out of other people’s lives. What we missed was the importance of focusing on your own business. When we’re truly engaged in our own lives, it’s nearly impossible to find time to invite negative people’s opinions into your head space. Develop a mindset so focused on your goals, your health, your job, whatever YOU need to be doing that you simply don’t have time to engage in nonsense.

2.) It’s Not Really About You:

In his best-selling book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz says,“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” It can be hard to put our egos aside, trust me I know. But when you shift your mindset and understand people’s actions are based on their issues, it’s much easier to not take rude comments or shitty opinions personally. Think about when you’ve been snappy or even rude to someone. I’m going to bet that it had much more to do with your mood at that time than it did the person you approached like a fire breathing dragon, right?

3.) You’re Probably Overthinking:

Overthinking is like deciding to play the same song over and over for 3 days straight. It’s maddening. Well, unless you’re a teenager, then it’s pure bliss! When we overthink we spend wasted hours trying to deceiver what someone else’s intentions were. If you’re uncertain and feel like your life can’t go on without an answer…ask them. Have an adult conversation and be open to hearing their response with curiosity not judgement. And while you’re listening remember #2, it’s about them not you.

4.) You’re Choosing to Lack Emotional Intelligence:

I cannot tell you enough how life changing mastering our emotions is. Before I started my journey of healing and self confidence I didn’t even know the term “emotional intelligence”. How crazy is that? At age 52 I had no clue that I could literally control my thoughts and learn to respond (or not) instead of reacting. It’s like a freaking super power! As a former reactor, I understand how easy it is to become offended and lose your shit or worry excessively about anything and everything. I’ve spent countless hours mastering my emotional intelligence skills and it’s been one of the greatest gifts to myself ever. With practice you become mindful, confident and able to tune out other peoples opinions.

5.) You Can Always Close the Window:

I’m a visual person so this technique has become one of my favorites. I developed this habit when I first made the decision to end an unhealthy relationship and move from Ohio to Colorado. Gossip and judgment were flying around like flies in a horse barn and unexpectedly much of it came from people I considered my friends. Laying in bed one night frustrated that I failed to master not allowing their opinions bother me, I closed my eyes. I instantly pictured putting all of their shit talk in a brown paper bag, rolling the top of the bag closed, opening my bedroom window and tossing the bag outside. Then I imagined shutting the window, turning the lock, and walking away. It felt amazing! The anger and chatter was all gone. Next time the weight of someone’s opinions are bothering you please try this technique. I’d love to hear how it works for you!

With practice you’ll remember that you are in control of whether something bothers you or not. The more you remind yourself of the reasons above the less often you’ll have to remind yourself. And BONUS - the more you take control of your mindset and choose to ignore negativity, the higher your self-confidence grows.

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I’m glad you’re here,

Jill K Schmidt