6 Reasons Why Putting Yourself First Is Not Selfish - It's Necessary.
Self-love is where peace, boundaries and happiness meet.
Like many women, I've spent the majority of my life believing that happiness was something I had to earn. That happiness was earned by fitting in, loving hard, and often dimming my own light so someone else could shine brighter. The bold (and terrifying) move I made to break my own heart forced me to get out of my own way and discover why I was so willing to sit in the backseat. My hope for you is that my struggle to climb out of the darkest place I’ve ever been will help you come out of your darkness and into a new journey that begins and ends with you.
Looking back on my past relationships, friendships and even jobs, I've recognized a pattern that insisted I dig deeper. Why was I attracting a certain "type" of person? Why was I an advocate for others yet had no courage for myself? Why was I sitting at a desk job I hated over and over again? Why did I care so much about what other people thought about me? Why was I spending so much time doing shit I hated?
What I discovered, and continue to unreel, is that my go-to way of loving others was to stop doing the little things for myself that made me feel good and instead, I’d exhaust all of my efforts into making the other person feel good. This is where the ease of being taken advantage of, manipulated and feeling less-than comes into play. We start forgetting ourselves when we don't want someone else to forget us, and when we need to fit in, and we seek approval. This self destructive mindset contributes to women losing ourselves in the name of love, friendship or a career title. We’re unconsciously attracting emotionally unavailable men, unfulfilling jobs, wasted time, and shitty friendships.
And let me tell you, while all of the above suck, the emotionally unavailable men will literally suck the life out of you. Because early on, they recognize how easy you are to "keep around". Brutal right? Even more brutal is the fact that we are literally choosing to abandon ourselves for the "love" of someone else, to have a “job” or to be accepted into a group of people we call friends. We are choosing unhappiness.
Over my 8 year relationship I drained my savings account, dismissed activities I loved and lost time with my children that I can never get back. I spent all of my days and nights doing what someone else wanted me to do, going to places and hanging out with people that I didn’t even like. I job hopped thinking that would fulfill what was missing only to find myself taking jobs that required more settling and shrinking. In some of the friendships I made, I allowed back stabbing, ignored my intuition and replaced things I enjoyed doing with alcohol. I drank to cope with the emptiness and the abusive relationship that I refused to call what it truly was. I was in complete denial.
Listen, giving up the occasional bubble bath surrounded by candles and quiet might not seem like a big deal. BUT IT IS. When you combine all of the little things you stop doing for yourself, the money you spend and the time you waste trying to earn someone's love or acceptance, those bubble baths are the mega millions of self care. Leaving little acts of self love out of your self care routine is the beginning of losing yourself and it doesn’t take long.
Today I am committed to reaching a deeper level of self-love and care and it starts with keeping every promise I make to myself. These include; making conscious efforts daily to eat healthy and making time for exercise (yes there is always time - stop bullshitting yourself!). I also make writing a priority, reading or listening to empowering mindset enhancers and most importantly, setting boundaries that protect my peace. And...ta da! I DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!
How I missed the importance of loving yourself first and considered it a selfish act is another deep-rooted story that I’ll share in my upcoming post. I believe many of you will be able to relate. It's not selfish, it's absolutely necessary. Once you start it you'll feel your energy change. The people pleasing doormat will become the door that leads you into happiness. You won’t be in the backseat, you will be the driver!
Self-love changes your mindset creating an internal conscious empowerment that literally changes the energy you give off and the energy you attract. That new energy attracts respect, a circle that's meant for you, and a force field around your happiness that only someone worthy of YOU can enter. It removes unconscious reactive habits and creates peace.
6 THINGS I NOW KNOW - that can help empower your journey to self-love.
That person, job or situation that has you feeling tired, stuck, insignificant, or has you wishing your days away? It's CALLING YOU to wake up and stop serving yourself shit.
Only WE can love ourselves into happiness. It's not your partner's job to make you believe your worth it, it's not your boss's job to make sure you're career satisfying, and it's not your friends job to make sure you take care of your body. It's YOUR job and you owe it to yourself to be accountable for your own peace.
YOU CAN DO THIS! Look, I’m 52 years old, in a new state, at a new job, with my 11 year old Son living with friends and I feel more in control of myself and my life than I've ever allowed for myself. Was it easy? Fuck no. Am I done? Never. But it's worth every memory you don't want to face, every heartache we never wanted to feel and every single day that we feel alone.
You are your own Hero, she is in there. That shit storm you're sitting in is her begging you to come and get her. Go get her! Show up and stay!
Taking ownership of the choices we’ve made that landed us where we are is a bitch. And she’s a tough one but you need to meet at the door, welcome her in, and heal her.
Not sure where to start? I wasn’t either and then I discovered the power of forgiveness! Start with reading "Forgive Yourself, Free Yourself". (It’s free just sign up via email on the “Home” page). Go get her! She's waiting for you.
I'm glad you're here,
Jill K Schmidt