How to Chill out when you want to freak out.
Can you be friends or after a breakup? If you master emotional intelligence, yes you can.
Over the last several months I've worked hard to change my perspective of our relationship including; how I handled myself when I was upset, why I reacted the way I did and seeing things from his view. Taking the time to explore each of these areas helped me transition from being angry, hurt and resentful to being at peace. Learning about emotional intelligence has been a game changer!
Changing perspective allowed me to shift from feeling like a broken victim that was heartbroken to a person that was one of two people that chose to be in a relationship giving it what we had the capacity to give. Two people that loved each, laughed, cried, and fought to make it work. When it didn't work anymore and trying to hang on wasn't serving either of us well, I waved the white flag.
Changing my perspective to one of acceptance, self acknowledgement and compassion has healed and opened my heart in ways I never expected. Whenever I start to slip back into my old ways of thinking, I focus on myself, the role I played, and why. The difference this has made with my emotional and mental health has been one of enormous positive impact.
You see…
Since the day I moved, I used to get knots in my stomach when I'd see his name pop up on my phone, wonder where he was, and who he was with and genuinely feel mentally and emotionally drained over not knowing. And I'll be completely honest, when I saw a "friend" of mine sharing photos of them together within a week of me leaving, I was pissed. Like, it's a good thing I moved so far away pissed. I'm not proud of the rage I felt that day or the things I said to both of them but I am proud of how far I’ve grown emotionally.
Today was different.
He called late at night. This time when I answered his words didn't make me feel sorry for him anymore. I was more annoyed than anything. Like, why are you still doing the same shit with your life? But, I didn't say that. I took a deep breath, told him I was glad he made it home and said to sleep well. That was it. When I hung up I was in awe of myself…No drama, no anger, no sympathy. I was emotionally intelligent and it felt incredible!
I used to get infuriated at those late night calls. More often than not because they came after another no-show for plans we had for that evening and hours of ignoring my texts and calls. I would say emotionally charged unkind things that I knew he wasn’t even comprehending and tell him he was wasting his life sitting in bars. I would also be filled with a feelings of insignificance and resent.
I'm not proud of the things I've said over the years when my ego was bruised or even the first few weeks after leaving him. I had no idea of the power behind mastering emotional intelligence habits and at that time, I didn't understand his choices really had nothing to do with me at all.
Changing my perspective has allowed me to answer (or not) his calls or overhear Josh on the phone with him and not feel anything but Grace. Not anger, no resentment, and no guilt. It also allows me to understand that him calling to let me know he made it home is just an old habit. It's not meant to annoy me and it’s not even about me.
What I know today -
Our ability to master our emotional intelligence is literally a super power that everyone would should be taught beginning at a young age. The ability to respond instead of reacting takes a lot of practice, self reminders and even a few set backs.
Responses are driven by our unconscious memories, external stimuli and often, our egos. When we react instead of responding, it diminishes what’s actually happening and ignites negative emotions resulting in the situation going from one issue to a combination of issues.
Mastering emotional intelligence allows us to make a conscious choice and to respond in a manner that aligns with our values, beliefs and goals. Basically, it stops us from being assholes to one another.
When someone has an alcohol or another addiction issue, the choices they make are not about you. While those choices make you feel insignificant, anger or sadness it’s really not about you as a person. It’s the battle they have with themselves.
In the beginning trying to remain friends after a breakup is like adding fuel to a fire. Once you heal yourself and can separate yourself from old emotions and develop new habits, it’s completely do-able if both parties want the same end result.
So much of what we experience in life is due to the choices we make, the situations we tolerate, and how we react or respond to those situations. Until we change, nothing else will.
I’m glad you're here,