Sometimes You Have To Break Your Own Heart - How I Broke Mine
MY WAKE UP CALL
In January of 2022 I sat alone in my living room waiting for the next round of disappointment to fall, I looked around my home, my eyes glazing over photos of family, friends and my pets. I felt nothing but hatred for myself. I had 5 amazing children, 4 beautiful grand kids, a home I loved, yet I was angry, sad and suicidal. I had been blessed with all of these people in my life and I didn’t want to be in that room or in my own life anymore. I was disgusted with how I felt and too embarrassed to tell anyone how miserable I was.
As I sat there crying I yelled “what the fuck is wrong with me?” and sat with the weight of those words for what felt like an entire day. It was likely just a few seconds. “You’re choosing to be miserable, have you had enough?” rang through my ears. Whether it was me, God, or I had just completely lost my mind I honestly can’t tell you. What I can tell you is that the Summer before that day, when I was being life flighted, I heard the same voice ask me the exact same question. That time I didn’t respond but on that day in January I whispered “yes”.
As soon as that word left my lips, I knew I couldn’t live in denial anymore. I felt like someone lifted a boulder off of my chest. I sat up straight and said “yes” again with an overwhelming amount of certainty. In that moment, the anger I had towards myself was replaced with questions. Why was I choosing to let anyone allow me to feel this way about myself? How did I go from confident, strong and funny to miserable and insignificant? Who the hell does he think he is? How was this love? What’s wrong with me?
Him or Me
At that time, I didn’t know the answer to any of those questions, but I knew I had a choice to make. Him or me. I had to let go of someone I felt a strong need to take care of, someone that I loved deeply, more than I loved myself. I had to break my own heart. My empathy for his past combined with the experiences of my own had created a bond between us, one that I felt enormous guilt for breaking. I now know we can’t love someone sober, love away their past, or bear their pain. But we can, lose ourselves in the process of trying to save someone else.
Before and after choosing myself.
I made the decision that day to end the relationship and I didn’t waiver in that decision. While I didn’t know when or how I would do it, I just knew that I needed to let him go.
It took 4 months after that day for me to end the relationship. Four long months of gathering back pieces of myself so I could tell him and stick with my decision this time. Four months of reminding myself that we can’t fix something that isn’t ours to fix but we can most certainly fix ourselves. Four long months of preparing to break my own heart.
I binge watched Mel Robbins, Jay Shetty, Seth Godin and other incredible self-development, mindset and empowerment speakers. I stopped drinking alcohol to cope with the shit I allowed my life to turn into, and I let myself hear (really hear) the words he’d say to me, and really feel the pain his actions caused. I reminded myself every single day that sitting in misery and calling it love is a choice.
I chose me. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made but I chose myself.
8 Empowering Things I’ve Learned -
Whether it’s a relationship, friendship or job. If you’re showing up for it every day and it sucks, you’re CHOOSING to be miserable. That’s the brutal honest conversation that we have to have with ourselves. As much as that day hurt, I am forever grateful that it happened. Who would ever think someone deceiving you for the hundredth time would end up being be a good thing?
2. A friend said to me years ago, “he’s lucky you grew up how you did because you have a high tolerance for not being treated good, any other women would kick him to the curb”. At that time all I heard was “he’s lucky he has you”.
3. Our minds are hardwired to protect us. Until we’re honest with ourselves and what’s happening in our lives, we hear what we want to hear, we diminish events so they’re “not so bad” and we forgive to be loved.
4. I’ve learned that I’m the only person responsible for my happiness. I’ve learned that you can’t love someone enough to fix them into someone else. Just as we choose to live how we are, so do they.
5. Over the last several months I’ve read dozens of books on emotional intelligence, listened to countess podcasts, created habits to actively practice self love every day, and through forgiveness, I’ve been able to be completely honest with myself and others. Whatever you are going through, there’s someone out there that’s experienced similar. Find them and listen.
6. The steps I’ve taken since the day I left have helped me become who I am today. I’m healthier (30 pounds lighter!), I have boundaries, a lot of self-love and the determination to keep moving forward into this beautiful life instead of wishing my days away.
7. I’ve learned that when you leave a relationship you have to be willing to accept other losses along the way. It’s part of the process of finding what and what is truly meant for you.
8. I’ve learned that it’s okay for us to be friends. Friends with boundaries where I choose me first and accept that his choices are his alone and not a reflection on me. It’s not my job to fix anyone but myself. (this one took a while!)
TODAY
As I write this, my hope is that by sharing my story, one day I’ll get to read yours. I promise you that you deserve to be happy, loved, protected and safe. And the first person that needs to provide that for you is you. Once you do, the love that you have for yourself and the new life you’ve created will be worth every step.
9/25/2024 update:
Today I’m a full-time Women’s Empowerment Coach and content creator helping thousands of women reclaim their lives. The women I have met along my journey have become sisters to me. Every single woman that reclaims her power helps change the legacies left for generations of women and little girls to come. Being part of this movement has made me grateful for everything that happened and led me where I am today. HAPPY ON PURPOSE.
Whether you’re new here or you’ve been following me since day one, thank you. I’m grateful for you and would love to know you were here. Leave a comment below and say hello.
I’m glad you’re here,
Jill Katherine Schmidt
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