Leaving a Relationship and Starting Over: The Truth

It goes without saying that leaving a relationship is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make.

It’s messy. It’s terrifying. It’s full of second-guessing, sleepless nights, and tears cried into your pillow while everyone else assumes you're fine. Even when you know deep down it’s the right decision, maybe even the only decision that will save you, it can still feel like your heart is being torn apart.

I know this because I ended a relationship with someone I still deeply loved, not because I wanted to…because I knew I had to. I finally admitted to myself that I was sitting in misery and calling it love. I was accepting crumbs and making excuses for someone else shitty behavior. Saying “he didn't mean it” was like a well-loved T-shirt, I wore it almost every day.

After I left I spent months in the quiet aftermath of breaking up. I battled my nervous system trying to pull me back to what it had come to know as comfort. I fought the fear that I walked away from the man I couldn’t live without.

But I did live without him. I also realized I had been living without myself for the majority of our relationship. Leaving saved me. And as ugly as starting over was, it also gave me back my life.

The Lie We’ve Been Told

So many of us were raised to believe that love means staying, tolerating, and even settling. That commitment means unconditional love. That being a “good woman” means fixing, forgiving, and forgetting over and over again, even when your spirit is slowly dying inside a relationship that no longer feels like home.

We’ve been taught that leaving is failure and women should be compliant.
That starting over is selfish. That breaking up a family is cruel.
That choosing yourself means you’re giving up.

But that’s a lie.
A dangerous lie.

Because staying in a relationship that chips away at your self-worth day after day isn’t love. That’s survival. And you deserve so much more than just surviving. You deserve to be loved, protected, and reminded of your worth every day.

It’s Hard Because You Love Hard

The day I finally walked away wasn’t the day I stopped loving him. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

If you’re reading this I’m assuming if you haven’t already left, there’s a part of you that knows it’s time to go. Maybe you’ve outgrown the version of you that tolerates disrespect. Maybe you’re exhausted from trying to prove your worth to someone who refuses to see it. Or maybe you’re just tired of feeling tired all the time.

Leaving is hard not because you’re weak, but because you love hard. Because when you walk away, you’re not just leaving a person. You’re leaving the fantasy. The years invested. The hope that one day it would finally get better. You're grieving what you hoped the relationship would become.

And grief isn’t linear. Some days you'll feel like a warrior. Other days you'll feel like you're falling apart. But I promise you that as you heal your strength will become stronger than your sadness.

You’re Allowed to Choose You

You are allowed to leave.
You are allowed to start over.
You are allowed to want more, need more, and refuse to settle for a love that makes you question your own worth. And you should. We forget we have choices and that is one of the greatest tragedies of love.

Choosing yourself doesn’t mean you’re selfish. It means you’re finally listening to the voice inside you that’s been whispering, “There has to be more than this.” Not everyone will understand and that’s okay. You’re going to lose some people, and that’s okay too.

There is a special healing that comes when you chose yourself and it’s wrapped in peace and a newfound confidence that feel like home. And your home? Your home is no longer a space you dread returning to. It’s yours. And the only feeling it has inside is the way you choose for it to feel. No walking on eggshells. No biting your tongue. It’s YOURS.

What I Learned After I Left

I wish I could tell you I left and everything instantly got better. It didn’t.

The healing was brutal. It was slow with unexpected waves of joy and sadness.
In the beginning the loneliness felt like drowning, like something I wanted to escape.
I had to rebuild everything including my routines, my identity, my confidence, my finances. I had to learn how to sit with myself and not feel empty.

But you know what happened in the process?

I rediscovered my voice and remembered that I get to choose how other people make me feel. I get to choose who I allow in my space.

I stopped apologizing for wanting what I deserved. I started saying “no” without feeling like a bitch.
I learned love that is meant for us will not require us to lose ourselves to keep it.

And most importantly, I discovered a purpose behind my pain. That purpose changed my life and brought me closer to myself than I have ever been.

That’s when the peace came.

The kind of peace that is hard to explain but impossible to deny. The kind of peace that makes you unknowingly radiate happiness when you walk into rooms. The peace that comes with knowing your safe. You make the decisions. And your worth is never doubted by the most important person in your life…YOU.

If You’re On the Fence…

Here’s what I want you to know if you’re torn between knowing you need to leave and being afraid to actually make it happen: If someone is making you cry more than they make you laugh, if you’re walking on egg shells, if someone is hurting you…that’s not love. It’s an unhealthy toxic relationship.

I know the thought of leaving is overwhelming.

But there is life after heartbreak. And those memories that you have? You get to decide which ones you carry with you. And yes, it’s okay to bring the good ones along. You may be tempted to linger in every moment and romanticize your relationship as “not so bad” in an effort to cling…but accepting your relationship for what it really was is a crucial step when you choose to move forward.

I had to sort every single memory: the good and the bad. Being completely honest is how we heal.

And no, you’re not stupid for loving who you love. We’ve all settled at some point in our lives. Not everyone is capable of loving the way you love. If the person you’re with isn’t capable, they're not your person.

You Are Worthy of a Good Life

Let me say that again:
You are worthy of a good life.

Not a tolerable life filled with empty promises.
Not a “maybe it’ll get better” life.
But a real life filled with peace, safety, joy, laughter, and mutual love.

A life where you no longer shrink yourself.
Where you speak your truth without fear.
Where your worth isn’t up for negotiation.

And yes, you may have to walk through a lot of tears and sad days after your break up to get there. But when you do, you’ll have boundaries in place and protecting your worth will become second nature.

A Loving Push from Me to You

If you’re still reading this, I want to lovingly challenge yourself today:
What do you want your life to feel like? What do you want your home to feel like?

Because the version of you on the other side of this chapter is already rooting for you. That nagging feeling telling you there is something more out there is pulling at you for a reason. I promise you are stronger than you know.
You can heal.
You can be free.

So take one step.
Pack a bag.
Make a call.
Seek support. Create a plan.

Cry if you have to. Scream if you need to. But take a step.

Because staying stuck will never lead to happiness.

But choosing yourself? That’s where your freedom begins.

You're not alone, friend. I see you. I’ve been you.
And I’m here to tell you, there is life after letting go.

And it’s beautiful.

If you need help leaving or healing, please reach out. I help women just like you everyday and they, like myself, are living proof that there is life after ending a relationship.

Jill K Schmidt