Breaking Up with Someone You Love.

The article below is one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever lived through and also the most empowering one. Choosing myself is what led me here, it’s the reason I created this website for you and remain committed to helping women find their power to create a life they love.

EIGHT YEARS OF DENIAL COME TO AN END

It was a level three snow emergency. He left that morning for work regardless of the warnings and against my request to stay home. I was worried about the commute as the news was telling everyone to stay off the roads. When he called and said he was heading back home at lunchtime I was so relieved. I anxiously waited for his driving home from work call. It never came.

At 1:00 I sent a text message “Did you decide to stay longer?” Nothing. At 2:00 I called. No answer. Between that 1:00 text until 8:30 pm I heard nothing. I spent those 7 hours sick to my stomach thinking something horrible happened to him. Around 5:00 the news was showing a horrific accident on the highway in which people lost their lives. I called the Highway Patrol and sat on hold for 15 minutes ready to throw up while they checked the list for his name. I called his job, I called his friends and then…it hit me…”no, there’s no way he’d be sitting at bar” I mumbled.

Oh yes, he was. Not only had been sitting at a bar since 2pm without a care in the world, he also left with a female bartender.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

I was worried sick for hours, calling all over and thinking something bad happened to him and he was sitting at the bar getting drunk. Sitting there choosing to ignore my texts and choosing to ignore my calls. Knowing I was anxious when he left and knowing I was worried something happened to him. All while he sat there getting drunk for hours.

That night was it. This man that I loved let me sit home sick to my stomach worried about him while he chose to ignore me so he could get drunk? I couldn’t make any more excuses for him. I’d never dated an alcoholic before, and I’d convinced myself the hundreds of lies he told were just part of what I signed up for and he didn’t mean it. He DID mean it. He made the choice to lie when he left work. It was like a lightbulb went off. He always made the choice to lie when he was sober, and the anger came when he was drunk. I had enough.

WHEN YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW.

I spent months before that night making excuses, being humiliated in public, and feeling sorry for him. I’d lost my sense of humor, gained 40 pounds and didn’t care if I woke up from one day to the next. I was killing myself trying to save someone else. After eight years, on that winter night, I could no longer deny that I was in an extremely toxic relationship. An abusive relationship.

My mind instantly began racing with questions. It was like someone had slapped me awake! Why was I choosing an unhealthy relationship? How did I go from confident, strong and funny to feeling miserable and insignificant? Who the hell does he think he is? How was this love? What’s wrong with me?

I HAD TO FIX MYSELF

During that moment, I didn’t know the answer to any of those questions, but I knew I had a choice to make, him or me? My empathy for his dysfunctional past combined with the experiences of my own, had created an unhealthy codependent bond between us.

I was his safe place land, someone to bear his pain and to take the heat for his unhealed anger. I was choosing his happiness over my own.

It took 4 months after that night for me to end the relationship. Four long months of gathering back pieces of myself so I could tell him and stick with my decision this time. Four months of reminding myself that we can’t fix something that isn’t ours to fix. Four months of learning how to love myself again. Four long months of preparing to break my own heart and let him go.

Years before that winter night a friend said to me “he’s lucky you grew up how you did because you have a high tolerance for shitty behavior, any other women would kick him to the curb”. My perspective when she spoke those words was that he was lucky I love him so much, and I was a good person for loving him unconditionally. Today I know better.

I’ve learned that happiness and healthy relationships are a choice. More importantly, I’ve learned that self-love is the first and most important relationship we need to create. Today I am grounded, confident and value myself.

As I write this, my hope is that by sharing my story, one day I’ll get to read yours. If you found value in my story, please comment below and share with a friend that may need some encouragement.

I’m glad you’re here,

Jill Schmidt