Losing Friends After a Breakup
I knew ending my relationship after eight years was going to hurt like hell. I was still in love with him but knew it was time for me to leave. What I wasn’t expecting after breaking up was to lose some of my friends too. You know those friendships that you believe are ride or die?
ALL OF THEM ARE NOT.
When I made the decision to break up and end the relationship, I also made plans to move to another state. It may sound pathetic and maybe a little extreme, but I knew myself well enough to know that if distance wasn’t part of my plan, I would be talked into going back to him for the hundredth time.
AND THEN, THE BIG SURPRISE!
A few weeks after arriving in Colorado I started walking every day, I didn’t want to drink alcohol to cope with my life anymore, and I lost 20 pounds in just 6 weeks! I dove headfirst into my pain and my mission to find the parts of myself that I lost trying to save someone else. For the first time in years the peace and hope that filled my heart was far stronger than my sadness. Great right?
Well, after sharing on Facebook how at peace I felt, how much happier I was, and how much our environment affects our health (because it does), some of my “friends” back in Ohio interpreted my posts to mean that I was putting them and their lifestyle down. What the actual fuck was happening? I was safe, I was happy and most importantly I was developing a better life for my son.
AND MY FRIENDS WERE GOSSIPING ABOUT ME?
Yes, they sure were. Pissed off and gossiping like to old women on a park bench with nothing better to do. My “friends” that spent years telling me I was an idiot for staying in my relationship were now taking my decision to choose happiness and making it about them. I went from literally wishing my life away to keeping a promise I made to myself, and my friends were saying horrible things about me. It didn’t make sense.
BUT NOW IT DOES.
When we make the decision to improve our lives, not everyone is meant to come along. Even more importantly, not everyone should be invited to come with us. Growing into a new, better version of ourselves and breaking old negative habits requires support, a lot of self-discipline and a healthy environment. It’s so much easier to fall back into the comfort of our old ways than it is to remain in the discomfort required to change your life. Misery loves company and you don’t need that company anymore.
THE FRIENDS THAT STAY.
The friends that support you through your journey and cheer you on from the sidelines, those are the friends that will always stay. Those are the friends that you formed a genuine bond and love for based on who each of you are, not the state your life is in. It’s important for us to ask ourselves what our friendship are based on? What bonded us together? Friendship isn’t about drinking, partying, or bonding over being in shitty relationships. Friendship is about being authentic, vulnerable and accepted with no strings attached. Strings break. True friendships do not.
YOU WILL BELONG.
It hurts when we lose people we care about and have a history with. But just like a good book, you’ll never find out what’s next if you don’t turn the page. Meeting new like-minded people is an empowering step after a breakup or major life change. There’s a beautiful moment when the friends that stayed and the new ones you make form a circle around you so powerful you feel unstoppable. At that moment, you will know the distinct difference between fitting in and belonging.
Being prepared for losing friendships likely wouldn’t have changed how much it hurt at the time it happened. However, know why it was necessary has changed my perspective to one of acceptance. I you experience a loss of friendship after a breakup, I hope being both prepared and knowing why it’s necessary, will help you change yours.
If you found this blog post helpful, please leave a comment below and share with a friend.
Together, we are empowering women, one post at a time.
I’m glad you’re here,
Jill Schmidt