The Social Media “Be Positive” Shame Game and How to Balance It

We see messages all over social media to be positive, be grateful, and to appear happy at all times. While it’s true that mastering your mindset and emotions helps you stay better focused on your goals, no one is positive every single day nor should they be!

Now I’m not saying to walk around like the Grinch on Christmas Eve but it’s important to understand our need for balance. Trying to meet the unrealistic expectation of constant positivity (also known as toxic positivity) can not not only damage our mental and physical health it can also damage our relationships.

Here’s how and some tips on creating balance.

  1. Avoidance.

When we’re constantly putting on a happy face and not allowing ourselves to feel what’s bothering us, we’re avoiding difficult situations. This often involves distorting the reality of the situation in an effort to minimize discomfort and “keep the peace”. Remaining positive in an effort to avoid problems and tough conversations also avoids the opportunity to come up with a solution.

THE BALANCE: Make a conscious effort to address your concerns as well as the concerns of others. Remind yourself that  disregarding your (and others) concerns makes it harder to identify problems and come up with solutions

2. Lack of Self Respect

Buying into the social media “positives vibes only” shame game can leave you feeling bad about yourself when you start to feel anything negative. When we’re focused on fake positivity instead of problem solving we’re not allowing ourselves to acknowledge or process our own feelings which can create a lack of self respect. This can include not valuing your needs above others, lack of boundaries and even wondering what’s wrong with you.

BALANCE: Remember that conversation isn’t confrontation. There will always be times that we have to choose our battles and how we approach them will make all the difference. If you’re nervous to confront a situation you can talk with someone else that’s not involved first to get their perspective. You can also write down what you’re feeling and why to better understand yourself and identify possible solutions. It’s important to honor yourself in all aspects of your life including work, home and relationships.

3. Dismissive

When we’re focused on being in a constant state of positivity we can unknowingly be dismissing the concerns and feelings of others as well as our own. Carrying a constant “NO negative vibes” mantra can also create an atmosphere where others feel their opinions are invalid. In relationships this creates a barrier of you showing the other person who you really are and what needs are important to you. At work the constant positive dynamic can lead to missed opportunities and problem solving in teams.

THE BALANCE: Being positive is a great feeling but using it to avoid or dismiss others genuine concerns is harmful. Remind yourself to look at issues from the other persons perspective and to be curious, not judgmental. Be mindful of using phrases like “it will all work out” or “just be grateful you know now”. While they sound positive, to the receiver they’re quite dismissive.

4. Explosion

Like a balloon being filled up with too much air, holding in everything we’re feeling or dismissing others concerns to keep a positive appearance will eventually make us (or them) explode. This explosion can manifest as a mental health issue, verbal outbursts, or even damage to our physical health. Every time we dismiss our feelings or ignore the negative actions of co-workers, partners and even our friends we’re adding air to the ballon.

THE BALANCE: Be approachable and be prepared to approach others with your concerns. If the thought of conflict resolution makes you nervous take some time to learn more about it. Like all personal development skills, it’s one that anyone can master (yes even you) through practice and self education. Clinging to a positive mindset no matter what we’re going through sounds noble but the reality is it’s not only unrealistic it’s also unhealthy. As I learn more about emotional intelligence, self love and mindset habits the old efforts I once made to “just be happy” have shifted to “just be you”.

My hope for you is that your journey to self love will lead to a shift that allows you to be your authentic self with no urge to apologize for becoming you. There’s room for all of us in this big beautiful world!

I’m glad you’re here,

Jill Schmidt

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