6 Reasons Why Putting Yourself First Is Not Selfish - It's Necessary.
Self-love is where peace, boundaries and happiness meet.
Like many women, I've spent the majority of my life believing that happiness was something I had to earn. That happiness was earned by fitting in, loving hard, and often dimming my own light so someone else could shine brighter.
Looking back on my past relationships, friendships and even jobs, I recognized a pattern of choosing to settle. That pattern led me into months of self-discover to figure out why.
What I discovered, and continue to unreel, is that my go-to way of loving others was to stop doing the little things for myself that made me feel good and instead, I’d exhaust all of my efforts into making the other person feel good.
This is where the ease of being taken advantage of, manipulated and feeling less-than comes into play. We start forgetting ourselves when we don't want someone else to forget us, and when we need to fit in, and we seek approval. This self-destructive mindset contributes to women losing ourselves in the name of love, friendship or a career title. We’re unconsciously attracting emotionally unavailable men, unfulfilling jobs, wasted time, and shitty friendships.
Lack of self-love often leads to unhealthy relationships.
And let me tell you, while all of the above sucks, the emotionally unavailable men will literally suck the life out of you. Because early on, they recognize how easy you are to "keep around". Brutal right? Even more brutal is the fact that we are literally choosing to abandon ourselves for the "love" of someone else, to have a “job” or to be accepted into a group of people we call friends. We are choosing unhappiness.
Over my 8 year relationship I drained my savings account, dismissed activities I loved and lost time with my children that I can never get back. I spent all of my days and nights doing what someone else wanted me to do, going to places and hanging out with people that I didn’t even like. I job hopped thinking that would fulfill what was missing only to find myself taking jobs that required more settling and shrinking. In some of the friendships I made, I allowed back stabbing, ignored my intuition and replaced things I enjoyed doing with alcohol. I drank to cope with the emptiness and the abusive relationship that I refused to call what it truly was. I was in complete denial.
Self-care is the foundation for creating boundaries.
Giving up the occasional bubble bath surrounded by candles and quiet might not seem like a big deal. BUT IT IS. When you combine all of the little things you stop doing for yourself, the money you spend and the time you waste trying to earn someone's love or acceptance, those bubble baths are the mega millions of self care. Leaving little acts of self love out of your self care routine is the beginning of losing yourself and it doesn’t take long before you don’t recognize yourself anymore.
It’s necessary to make yourself a priority.
Self-love changes your mindset creating an empowerment that literally changes the energy you give off and the energy you attract. That new energy attracts respect, a circle that's meant for you, and a force field around your happiness that only someone worthy of YOU can enter. It removes unconscious reactive habits and creates peace.
6 Reasons Self-Love is Necessary.
Without taking time to consistently take care of and value ourselves, we will continue to seek from others what we don’t even have for ourselves. It's not our partner's job show us our self-worth, our boss's job to ensure we picked a fulfilling career satisfying, or our friend’s job to make sure we take care of ourselves.
YOU CAN DO THIS! Look, I’m 52 years old, in a new state, at a new job, with my 11-year-old son living with friends and I feel more in control of myself and my life than I've ever allowed for myself. Was it easy? Fuck no. Am I done? Never. But it's worth every memory you don't want to face, every heartache we never wanted to feel and every single day that we feel alone. You can find the obstacles in yourself and conquer them.
It’s your duty to love, honor, and protect yourself. You are your own Hero; she is in there. That shit storm you're sitting in is her begging you to come and get her. Go get her! Show up and stay! I started with journaling, binge watching Mel Robbins, Jay Shetty and other inspirational speakers, and listening to inspirational podcasts.
Taking ownership of the choices we’ve made that landed us where we are is a bitch. And she’s a tough one but you need to meet at the door, welcome her in, and heal her. There’s a reason we so easily stop practicing self-care or have never developed self-love. In my case I carried a poor self-image that came from others. Views I adopted as my own beliefs. Acknowledging those and removing them was the foundation for my healing and personal growth.
Our relationships with others are stronger, deeper and healthier when we genuinely care about ourselves. Lack of self-love can negatively affect your mood, decision making and communication.
We’re setting examples for our children, family and even our friends. The legacy we leave behind will affect future generations. What memories do you want to leave? We have two choices. We can be the woman that settled and lost herself or the woman that faced her fears and inspired others.
Starting is the hard part. Pick one thing you can do each day to start your self-care journey. Each day will build upon the next and before you know it you’ll feel the change. Setting boundaries will become easier, saying no will come naturally and taking time for those bubble baths will become your new norm.
Do you struggle with feeling selfish when you want to take care of yourself? Comment below and please be sure to sign up for the newsletter to receive your free printables, blog updates, and exclusive content.
I'm glad you're here,
Jill K Schmidt